This weekend I attended a semi-small gathering, expecting a relaxed environment in which to make new friends. The party was normal at first: people chatting and playing some games while singing along to the punk/emo rock playlist. But then suddenly, in the middle of an intense game of flip-cup, the lights went out, Taking Back Sunday turned into Rap Jams '08, the cute kid next to me had his arms around me and I was flung into a modern day version of Studio 54. I was completely unprepared.
Impromptu dance parties have ruined my life. The event catches people off guard and puts everyone in danger. One girl found herself pressed against the door in an awkward chokehold. Last week, my best friend found herself being railed in the darkness by a complete stranger.
To help alleviate a potentially stressful situation, I have created a guide.
Dress code
Dress defensively. Men should dress in layers so they can remove clothing when it gets hot. There's nothing more gross than dripping sweat on a potential love interest. And for ladies, stay away from the minis and the little black dresses. I was wearing a mini and spent the whole dance party trying to hold it down. My other best friend was wearing what we call the booty dress, and she later found herself showing her lovely lady lumps to all who were present.
Hydration
Make sure water is nearby. Not beer. Dry mouth is not attractive. Water fixes that. Beer makes your dancing frantic, and more often than not causes a simple dance party to become your next regret.
Defense
There are several ways to defend yourself from unwanted suitors and bad dancers. Take a safety dancer-someone you can latch onto if you do not wish to dance with strangers. Stay away from corners and walls where you can be pressed up against and trapped by an overeager booty shaker. Girls should dance in packs. My friends and I have a diamond defense, which involves four women all dancing in a circle, with their rears facing the inside. If the diamond is broken, you are left open for attack.
Avoidance
The best defense is to avoid particular dancers. I have compiled a list.
1. The Over-grabber: A slow dancer who tends to let his or her hands drift from the hips or the waist to inappropriate
locations.
2. The Jackhammer: The partner whose hips move in a rapid-fire machine gun motion, potentially causing injury and embarrassment.
3. The Unrhythmic Hip-Swiveler: Mostly harmless, but can be awkward and make you look foolish.
4. The Rap Video Vixen Wannabe: Her booty shakin' can knock men over, and some of her moves can get pretty nasty. Despite its impressiveness, doing the splits while vibrating is kind of gross.
5. The Faux Safety: Usually of the same sex as you, he or she lures you into a false sense of security, and then turns out to be one of the aforementioned dangers.
6. The Pro: These dancers are so good, they make you just look really stupid. Besides, taking dance moves from Chris Brown videos is cheating.
7. The DDR-ist: Stomps feet to emulate the game, while mostly landing on your toes. Not nice.
Need proof of the guide's success? Last weekend, I managed to remain hydrated and away from dangerous dance criminals. I ended up feeling so safe that I let my guard down slightly for a new, uncategorized dancer. Although initially confused by his signature move, the Gorilla Buster - a strange dance involving the bending of the torso while wiggling shoulders and dangling arms-I found myself wooed and later, in the kitchen corner. (Warning: Even though it's dark, people can still see you.)
Happy dancing, my friends.
Everdeen Mason can be reached at mason.388@osu.edu.
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