The Lantern

Issue date: 1/31/08 Section: Arts

Graham Beckwith

Welcome to the first and only installment of Gossip with Graham. With no further adieu, I'll get to your fake e-mails.

Did you hear, Heath Ledger died from taking too much Ambien? How messed up is that? - Johnny Q. Tremain

OMG! I'm so glad I get an opportunity to write about this. Ever since I watched "10 Things I Hate About You," I've thought of Heath as a brother. He's like a brother who is much better-looking than me, who I don't relate to at all, but who I must scrutinize even after his death.

Just days before his death, it was reported that Army Spc. Jon M. Schoolcraft III, a26-year-old from Wapakoneta, Ohio, died in Iraq after his vehicle struck an explosive.

An estimated 6,000 die each day in Africa from AIDS. But none of them were in film. So why should we care?

On Wednesday, I read something Ben Schwarzwalder wrote in The Lantern's opinion section about Heath, which just rang true: "I really do not think Ledger committed suicide ... why would he schedule a massage when he was going to kill himself?"

This is why celeb gossip is such a worthwhile enterprise - brilliant deductive reasoning. There is no way anyone would kill himself without clearing his or her schedule. I'm sure Heath had an assistant, so how hard would it have been to make a quick phone call and say, "I'm planning on killing myself today, can we push back my massage a few hours?"

I heard that Heath's masseuse called Mary-Kate Olsen three times when he was found dead. I want the phone transcripts.

I want to see pictures of his dead body.

I want a lock of his hair.

Heath, oh Heath, how I weep for you!

Did you hear, Dr. Phil and even Britney Spears' own manager called her crazy? - Gar Funkel

LMAO! In my opinion, I think the girl is crazy.

I'm glad Dr. Phil, as a respected psychiatrist, took time out to inform the rest of the planet on the girl's privacy. We needed to hear from him that she was unbalanced; the head shaving and the pantiless escapades weren't enough proof.

And I don't even understand why she is bonkers. All we did was make her a public figure right after she finished puberty, paid her way too much money for making awful music and then flashed cameras at her 24 hours a day while her life was crumbling.

She's rich; she used to be beautiful. How dare she be maladjusted?

Anyway, I can't wait to see what she does next - straddle an electrified fence, perhaps?

Did you hear, Brangelina is having another baby? - Christian Daly

ROFL! This is such big news.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie reproduce more than the fungus on my bath sandals.

They're so beautiful; they're so interesting. They have beautiful, interesting children. They will have more beautiful, interesting children.

"Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2"? I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Well, this has been fun. I'll be back with all-new gossip next time hell freezes over, or pigs fly or Larry King decides to stop airing sensationalist fluff.

Ta.

Graham Beckwith is The Lantern's Arts & Life editor. To tell him that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, he can be reached at beckwith.29@osu.edu.

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